Decedance: Tanya's Story
by Violent Pixi
Summary: Moments from the past and future of Tanya Denali. From her thirst to blood, her angel, blood, jealousy, love, lust, death, bella, the volturi, a happy ever after? Edward can't give her it. Friendships with wolves & an immortal child following her around.
1. Decadence

"he kissed her, he kissed her, he kissed her. little by little by little." - Wicked (boq and galinda)

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**Decadence**

I'm good at concealing my emotions; I have to be. It would take an empath like Jasper to truely know what i'm feeling and i'm pretty sure it would drive him mad. To be honest, I don't even understand my own feelings. I'm just an angsty mess of sadness, anger jealousy... But i have no right to these emotions, do i? I should be happy that one of my oldest friends had found happiness and a family with such a nice person too. I don't deserve someone as selfless and caring as Edward, Bella does. They are perfect...and i wonder why i can't have that. Sure, i had long ago accepted that he didn't want me. Maybe he was disgusted by my intermost thoughts that i had when around him. After all, i'm not strictly pure in thought.

But my feelings for Edward just won't compleatly dissapear. Every time he visited my Denali coven in the past, a flare of hope would spring up in my mind only to be, every time, rejected. Edward must know how much i hurt when these moments occur. And when he came alone to Denali, without the others, i had hope... hope that he finally had come to return my feelings. Yet it was not to be so. Edward told me of his new infactuation for this strange human whom he could not hear the thoughts of...his la tua cantata.

So, I had gone to their wedding, had supported his child at her tribunal and had put on a happy face, all for him. Bella truely was an astounding person and she has given him a family, something that I could never have. Rosalie felt the same as I did on the matter, however, my wishes to mother children was no where near as profound as Rose's. Esme had made up for that by looking after her coven members like her children but my coven members were the same age as me...siblings are different to children. It's something I'm missing. It's times like this when i understand Sasha's need to create Vaiisli.

It hurt, of corse it did. Everytime i was in the same room as Edward and Jasper at the same time, i could see the blond texan wince in pain at my emotions. I loved Edward too much; so much that it hurt. I didn't deserve this pain...this loneliness. When Irina lost Laurent, her mate, she was filled with similar pains to mine and Irina and i became closer then ever. Close because of our pains. I will forever love and cherish her memory. When i think about losing her, i feel disgusted at myself for feeling like i lost Edward when he was never mine to lose. He was, from his birth of the womb, her soul mate.

I didn't have a soul mate... my entire existance was plagued with thought on how it could have been. Me and his together. Bronze and Strawberry Blond. Gold and Gold. The lion and the lioness. Images of the future that never will happen. Maybe, in some parrallel universe, we would be together. I would give up my sucubusing, to be with him. Hell, I'd give up my own arm to be with him...but not my family. I would never give them up. But i am alone, like Sasha was. Kate has Garrett, Carmen has Eleazar. Irina had Laurent. So Sasha made a substitute by becoming a mother.

I'm close to Rosalie and Esme, very much so. Rose and I tied in our mild annoyance at the Swan (Cullen now) girl. She wondered why Bella had given up her humanity. But now that Bella's given birth to a mutant spawn, she's doted to Bella and Renesme. They are the best of friends now, so much so. But Esme is like my aunt, although Carlisle is a brother to me. I couldn't even begin to speak about my love and devotion to them. Maybe another time?

Can someone so shattered and pulled to pieces have a fairytale ending? A happily ever after? Sometimes i wonder if Edward was being very intelligent with his thoughts of provoing the Volturi. To end this pain. My belief in a divine entity is doubted...but i wouldn't mind finding out. But i couldn't. Irina's death shook us, even more so then Sasha's. I couldn't leave Kate and Carmen. My best friends and my sisters. Or their mates whom i love to bits, like they were blood related.

Do i even deserve a story? Honestly? Bella and Edward's story would be unique and loved. The impossible love whom, despite the interuptances and evil of other vampires; Aro, James, Victoria, hell...even Tanya for wanting to steal dearest Edward away. But what about me. Does the decadence that corrupts my hopes for a 'happily ever after' even warrent me a story? That's a good title. Decedance. Lack of morals that you base your life upon. What morals have i? I sleep with men, trying not to kill them in the process. I have impure thoughts on married men, happily in love. I've murdered...i've raped...stolen, abused.

Why should i have a story?


	2. Savior

_"you are my sweetest downfall, i loved you first" - Regina Spektor_

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**Savior**

I remember a darker time, blurred with the intoxication that blood brings. A time of corruption, obsession... and it overpowered me and my family. There were times when i would have killed my friends in order to feed on human blood, to murder an innocent man and take whatever virtue they may have had. I was a deamon, a succubus, a killer, a predator, a murderer. There were many names for what i was but the most fitting word: a monster.

I remember the first time i saw you, you in your glory. I felt like an angel was coming to take me to the hell in which i belonged. To punish me for my sins and drag me to the flames below, to burn in my icy skin. But you had not that divinity nor those intentions, and in the end it turned out that you had so much more. When i found out you were a vampire, all i could see was the gold in your eyes, beautiful in it's own way, captivating. Then, to see my own blood red eyes in the mirror, i wanted to shatter the glass. You told me of your diet. Free of the sins that mine held. You did not need to feed on humans and, even more, you could save them. In a way, you saved people from meeting an angel; for an angel meant death to me.

I wanted salvation, to be free from my addiction. To finally not stress, to not suffer my pains of regret. They felt like they were killing me. I didn't want to be a monster. In all honest truth, i wanted to be like you. Strong and amazing. You were confidant in your proffesion, around blood the entire time and not once tempted. To not feel the need to rip every human's throat out. I wanted that. I wanted to be you. So i told you...no, begged you to help change me. Make me a better vampire. To feed off animals and not humans.

You were always there when i needed you, without a doubt. You restrained me when i was tempted to revert back to the times of slaughter and pleasure all in one. You were there as a friend even, to talk to, converse with and to trust. You were there for me, as a brother. The best kind, for, more then all the other wonderful things you did, so wonderful that i could not place it in writting, you trusted me and that meant the most. Nobody ever trusted me like you did. You knew i could do it and devoted your time to replacing the red with amber and finally to gold. Gold like the gates of heaven.

In time, you cured me, for before, i was addicted to something deadly, like heroine. You were my rehab and, unlike a rehab, you worked. I'm cured. And, see me now! I can go to school with humans, i can talk to them exuberantly, make love to them passionatly, live with them fully without hurting them...hurting me...hurting my family. Or hurting you. I could not bare it if i hurted you. Not you.

My Carlisle, my friend, my family, my helper, my keeper, my brother, my light, my rehab, my angel,  
My savior


End file.
